Eternity

So, how am I doing? Better? Yes. And, No. Linda's absence is always present with me. I have heard several people say that they expect her to call, or they expect to see her. I don't. Nor, have I expected to see her again one single time. When Linda died, it was as if a door slammed shut, and it slammed with force. I can still hear that sound. Her absence is always present with me. Always. I am aware that our relationship will never be the same (Matthew 22:23-33). Whatever we experience will be grand beyond anything we could ever anticipate, but it will not be the same. Since I am in this temporal state, the loss is stunningly difficult to bear. "Empty" does not adequately describe the emotion. At the risk of repeating something I said earlier (I am not lazy, I just do not have the energy to go back through the last few posts), the words "vacant" or "hollow" would better describe what her absence means to me, but there is no way to adequately articulate this place in which I find myself.

Ah, self. It is when I get past myself and think about eternity that I do better. We are all designed for eternity to begin with, but that old temporal state is quite tangible and demands our attention. The entire fourth chapter of 2 Corinthians deals with our need to gain perspective that reaches beyond our senses. We are told (at the end of the chapter) to focus on eternal things, not temporal things. We are also told that our "light" affliction (from a man who had been stoned and left for dead, beaten several times for his faith - read more about Paul's difficulties in 2 Corinthians 11:16-29) serves a purpose to prepare us for glory. As C. S. Lewis said when his wife, Joy, had died, "The pain now is part of the joy then." I will say more about that quote later.

It is when I think of eternity that the Lord lifts me from the loneliness. Not that grieving is past - far from it, Linda's absence is always present with me no matter what I do or where I go. But, I smile when I think of her joy right now - she has seen Jesus! Her faith is reality! She is through with pain and suffering, with loss, with her own sinful self! If God allowed me the opportunity to bring her back, I could not do it - how selfish that would be.

But, God calls me not only to think of eternity for her, but for myself as well. He wants my focus to be on Him. If Jesus is the only one who can truly fulfill me (or any of us), I must look beyond my own grief and share in Christ's suffering. Not His sacrificial suffering, of course, but whenever we suffer, our great Friend is near. He is no stranger to loss and He communes with us at a deep level when we allow Him to be a part of our suffering. To connect with Jesus in that way is to look beyond this world and live with an eternal perspective.

But, I am still trying to figure it all out. If the last paragraph sounds like I am there, then I apologize for misleading you. It is just something that has helped a bit in these last days. It is, of course, biblical thinking, but when you have to apply it at this level, it seems brand new! The elders of our church have been gracious to me and almost insistent that I take time to deal with the loss. Part of me very much wants to get back to work, but your responses have helped me to conclude that this is, indeed, the work that God has for me right now - to experience this at a level most people cannot because of the business of life. If that sounds like an excuse to get out of work, please know that I would give anything for a normal life right now, but that door has been closed. As one friend (who knows) has told me, this is the new normal

So, I am better and I am not. That's the way of grief, I suppose. I recognize how very blessed I am to have so many people who care, and who are praying. My expressions of gratitude never seem to me to be enough - I wish I had a better way to thank you, but please know how very grateful I am!