One of the things about grief is that it is so personal. I do not mind sharing that portion of my heart and life. The part that makes it difficult is that my personal grief is so confusing, and while there are many aspects of what I am experiencing that have been experienced and shared before, it seems that everyone has a somewhat unique experience. That is probably not true, it just feels that way. It is not that none have experienced all these emotions before, but it seems the combination of emotions and thoughts are so different for each one in throes of sorrow and loss.
For instance, I have already experienced many of the same emotions that C. S. Lewis wrote about after the loss of his wife, Joy, in his book A Grief Observed. Some of his struggles, though, find no fertile ground in my heart. Some of my struggles, on the other hand, were apparently not things with which he wrestled. Not that I am comparing myself to Lewis - but, what a comfort to read his book! It is difficult reading it at this time, but, frankly, everything is difficult at this time, and, oddly enough, it is probably the perfect time to read the book - see what I mean about confusion?
I have questions, such as, "Since the pain is so intense at times, is it wise to protect myself (by, say, distraction) from the depths to which I am prone to go and in which I am prone to wallow, or should I allow my emotions to go where they lead me and get it all out?" Not that I will be done with grief if I allow myself to go, but might it not be best to not fight the inevitable? Even if you answer me, your experience may differ from mine, so I am not necessarily looking for answers. Oh, I am grateful for input, but I don't even know if I can process it appropriately right now, anyway. I have told you before, this is far more difficult than I expected, but I am OK with that - tonight. I have no idea how I will feel tomorrow. Thank you for indulging these self-focused ramblings.
I have heard from several of you who are currently battling cancer, and the prognosis is not good for some of you. If you find yourself in such a position, and you would like to correspond, I would count it an honor to walk through this with you by e-mail. Since I do not know how to respond to all who respond to this blog I would be happy to correspond with you if you will e-mail me at btalley5@embarqmail.com
I know it will take time to understand all that I am experiencing at present. Tonight, I just wanted to stay in touch with you - thank you for continuing to read! I know this is exactly the fear I expressed earlier - a self-absorbed rant. I promise that I will seek to articulate the spiritual lessons I am learning - and I am, indeed, learning more of God's grace every day! I am not angry with God. I understand this is the way of things. I just need time to deal with the pain. It is more than "empty" - perhaps, "vacant" or "hollow" would better describe the degree of loneliness I feel. But, I know my loving Father is there. It is just going to take time.
See, there I go again. I best stop lest I ramble off in another direction. God bless!
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6 comments:
Brad, while it may feel a bit self focused to you, there will be those who will profit from being able to walk in your shadow. If you are willing and able to bear your soul, I encourage you to do so. I am certain many folks will find footholds for their climb by walking in your footsteps.
I do not know who the anonymous person above me is but that is exactly how I feel. I read the comment and thought this is the Holy Spirit speaking. None of us know what lies in the future for us but being able to walk "in your shadow" has certainly helped me grow in an area that none of us really like to even think about let alone experience it. Again thank you for sharing with us. Praying for you and your family daily.
Vickie
no need for an apologetic tone in a blog - if you are honest with yourself about the temptation for self-absorbtion (which you have been!), then NONE of your readers are going to hold that against you. CONTINUE to be honest with yourself (in blog fashion), so that we may explore God's mysterious Grace and Mercy with you
Brad,
I consider it an honor that you'd share this with us. My heart hurts for you and for Autumn, Liz, and Michael, and for all of you grieving for Linda. I just cannot even imagine it, even if I try to.
I love you so much, I love you all. I hope I can see you when I come to NC April 2nd. That is, only if it would be possible for y'all. If it isn't the best time, I understand, and I will be in touch through this blog and email.
So much love to y'all,
Devon
Dear Brad,
Reading your blog is always a blessing--what you write, what others comment... I don't know how to explain it, but by sharing in your grief, I'm able to grieve too, in my own way. Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable and to share with all of us... who journey here with you! Love you!!!
PattyC
Brad,
I know you aren't looking for advice, and -it is as you say, personal in the way any of us grieve, but I want to encourage you to continue moving from your head to your heart while grieving. It's scary, but it's also where we find at least some completion. God made our tears, our emotions as well as our grief. And he made alot of us with strong backs to carry one another when necessary. I pray that you will continue to grieve the way your heart leads you. You are so dearly cherished and loved.
Kellye McKendree
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