Tougher Than I Expected

This is one of the reasons I avoided a blog in the past - it is easy to become self-focused, and I really want to be a part of a blog that is about God and His amazing Word, His amazing grace, and His amazing input and direction in our lives!

Of course, it has been my privilege to write about Linda this past year. I have to tell you, I am stunned at how many of you have told me about the ways she impacted your life that I never knew about! The reason I am stunned is because I knew her REALLY well, and I had no idea that her impact was as broad as God caused it to be. If you were at the visitation last Wednesday night, or the funeral on the following day, you saw pictures of Linda that would make you feel like you knew her, even if you had never met her. It was that infectious smile! It was as genuine as any smile has ever been, and it was always there, was it not? Oh, the depth of my loss!

In spite of my distaste for self-focus, I am going to engage in a little, anyway. If you will indulge me, keep reading. If not, I don't blame you! I mentioned before the time when Linda ended her good fight that I had not yet begun to calculate all that I would lose at her home-going. It was not that I was denying reality - indeed, most people had a sense that God was going to heal her, but I did not have such a sense. I was hopeful, though, because of the large number of people who felt such optimism, and anyway, I never trust my feelings - either way. We followed God's instructions (with elders, according to James 5) to the letter in praying for her healing - twice. It was not to be, however. Her days were written in God's book before she was ever born (Psalm 139:16). While Linda was alive, we concentrated on living. And we did! We laughed and cried (good tears, even when they were sad tears), we sat at the table in the mornings and lingered over coffee - well, she usually had hot tea - we went to restaurants and even movies! We really lived, although we suspected her time here was short. She is really living now! I, on the other hand, am trying to make sense of this life.

And, so, I grieve. I have no choice! A question will come to my mind and I want to ask her what to do - she always knew. Hey, I am pretty self-sufficient, but I cannot begin to tell you all the things she taught me, and helped me with, and did to make my life better. I see her pictures, and I see her touches all over the house, thanks to my wonderful daughters , Liz and Autumn, who got the house ready for me while Michael, Ben, and I went to the beach for a few days. Oh, I could go on and on, but you get the picture. I was told repeatedly that you may think you are ready for a loved one's passing, but you are not. Truer words were never spoken.

I probably should not write if I cannot adequately describe the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness that visits me at various times of the day, but there is value in a bit of rambling, I suppose. I said earlier that the grief would come in spurts and be intense, but brief. Yesterday, it settled in and took up residence, though it is briefly out of the house tonight. I played golf with two close friends yesterday on a spectacularly beautiful golf course. Even though I played fairly well on the back nine and could have not asked for better company, the cloud of sorrow was descending on me even as we worked our way around the course. After golf, I had dinner with Autumn and Brian - I LOVE connecting with my kids - but, I just wanted to get home and be alone. Little sleep last night and more discouragement greeted me this morning. The Lord called me very specifically, though, to prayer. He used some of you, but He got my attention, and thus, showed me His love and care for me.

Ultimately, prayer is where I am heading in this post. I KNOW that many, many dear brothers and sisters in Christ are holding me up in prayer. I cannot imagine where I would be without those prayers! God does not let me remain with that hopeless state for long, and I have to think that His mercy partially comes in response to your prayers. Thank you! What a privilege to pray! What a blessing to be the object of the prayers of others! What a great design by our great God to help us understand Him more, and, thus, find comfort and help in our hour of need!

Well, I warned you! If I did not feel that God is somehow using the public nature of this entire trial to help others, I would not be so liberal in sharing personal sorrow and grief. I am grateful for your prayers, but it is difficult to share that which is so private. It is a good lesson for all of us, though. We do not have the luxury of living entirely to ourselves. I do not suspect the Lord will call you to share your grief as openly as He has called me to do, but there is most likely something in your life about which He desires more transparency from you. The world is watching us, and though we may want them to look away at times, the Christ-follower, the disciple of Jesus, is always on display. Just as many of you have been "Jesus" to our family this past year, you are "Jesus" to someone else, maybe some who do not know Jesus. What do they see?

When I have better perspective on this grief, I will share it with those who are interested. If you are still reading, thank you so much!