A New Path

"LINDA HAS NINE LIVES!" Those were the first words that Dr. Lacin, Linda's neurosurgeon, spoke to me today. So many times Linda should not have made it, but she did. We know that her days were written, as were all of ours, before time ever began. Aren't you glad we serve a God Who is that big?

Without doubt, Linda has faced several serious health issues in this last year, many of which could have been the end for her. She has recovered every time. She may yet recover from this latest incident, but all the signs, this time, indicate that we are on a new path.

The bleeding in Linda's brain was quite substantial. It has affected a fairly large portion of her brain. I am not sure if that is permanent damage or not. I know that some of you who are in the medical field could answer these questions, but I must rely on a poor memory several hours after I have talked with the doctors, and that is only if I have asked the right questions! Whether the damage is permanent or not, Linda has been greatly affected by this bleed. Tonight our good friend (and one of our extra "daughters") was with Linda when she woke up from a nap. Linda thought she was at home. When Kat told her that they were at the hospital, Linda asked, "Who is sick?" This is constant, and there are other signs, such as repeating words or phrases and some definite loss of sight along with the inability (sometimes) to process what she does see. As I have already mentioned that the tumor is larger, also. Not by much, but it is growing.

Dr. Lacin told us there are two possibilities. The first is that she will bleed again, and go quietly and quickly. The other possibility is the slow deterioration that accompanies a brain tumor that is growing. Chemo is not an option - remember, she contracted Listeria (many of the doctors have never known an adult to contract it) several months after discontinuing chemo. Linda's system will just not tolerate chemo. I asked Dr. Lacin how long, and he just laughed and said, "I am not going to say - everytime I say something I am wrong!"

I cannot begin to tell you how much we appreciate and love (a strong word, but accurate) all of our doctors! "Our" doctors. I can't tell you how many times I have written that and then changed it to "Linda's doctors" before I published the post, but it is how I feel. Linda and I are one flesh - part of me is in that hospital bed having a difficult time with reality. Coming home tonight from the hospital was quite difficult for me. I have cried a lot tonight. That's OK. I love her more than I could ever tell you, and it hurts to think she will not be here much longer, and in fact, may never be the same again.

We laugh with Linda. It is NOT that we are laughing at her, but we are certainly enjoying her, even as she comes up with some unusual things, like this morning when she said that she wants to learn how to play T-ball. We laughed and said she would have to hop around the bases on her right foot since her left one doesn't work. She laughed with us. You cannot begin to know what a joy that girl is! How to tell you the way she is joyful even now, I do not know! It is not a change of personality that some grumpy people get when things go haywire in the brain - it is a continuation of the lady we love in a sweet and innocent form.

In addition to the kind of redaction I mentioned in connection with "our doctors," I also always review the post to make sure it has a logical flow before publishing it. Tonight, I am just writing, just rambling, (although Liz gave me a heads up on a couple of things that I changed after it was published and I corrected them) so I may go in and out with different subjects. I will also not review this post for any errors - I need to go to bed when I finish, but there is more to say.

I do especially want to enlist your prayers on a specific subject. We need to make a decision about Linda's care in the next few days. There is a strong possibility we are going to ask for her to be moved to the hospice ward at Rex Hospital. That would not necessarily be a permanent move, but it may end up being just that. There is also a very nice hospice facility in Erwin, but there are advantages to staying at Rex. For now, Linda is bedridden. Will she recover? We don't know. If she gets back to where she was, there is no question that we will bring her home! If not, though, it will be very difficult for us to care for her like she needs at home. She will have constant company anywhere she is, whether home or hospital, but the care will be much better in a facility.

To move to a hospice ward is to concede that we believe the end to be inevitable in the near future. While all of our family (Linda's parents and I, and our children and spouses) feel this way, we will continue to pray for a miracle. We all agree that this is a new path. God is being merciful to Linda and to us in ways that would take hours to articulate!

Is it contradictory to pray for a miracle and say you do not believe one to be forthcoming? It could be, but I don't think so. The last time I checked, the death rate is 100%. Sometimes, though, God intervenes and we will pray that He will. Last week I was tempted to tell Him He could really get glory if He would just heal Linda now. In fact, I was really close to praying that, but I don't think He needs me to tell Him how to get glory. It is my responsibility to praise Him no matter how He chooses to bring glory to Himself in my life or the lives of my loved ones.

So, we need wisdom. And I need to sleep. And I need to quit rambling or you are going to quit checking this blog! Thank you - we love you! Pray for Michael tonight - he is staying with his mom at the hospital. One quick humorous story about that. Linda's first week at the hospital, Michael took his turn one night. Linda needed something in the night and called for Michael. Several times. Loudly. Snoring was the only response she got from him. Every since, Mike has been known as "The Night Hawk." Pray for both, tonight!