Letter from Linda's Heart

Sunday – February 11, 2007

My first thought when I awoke this morning (actually, in the middle of the night) was, “Jesus, I am Your little lamb. I need You to be my Good Shepherd. Today is my birthday, and this is not the gift I would have chosen. You have chosen it for me, though, and I trust You. I believe – help my unbelief.”

No, this is not what I would have chosen. Although the tumor has been growing for a few months in my body (this particular tumor grows quite rapidly), I was not remotely aware that something was wrong until a little over a week ago. I have had no choice but to lean on the Lord’s grace – not day by day, but moment by moment. As I received one shock after another in those first few days, I did my best to keep the proper perspective. Even that, I knew, came from God’s grace.

When the enormity of what I was facing became clear, it was relatively simple to consider what was important. Brad and I had many “middle of the night” discussions. The steroids I am taking tend to keep me awake at night. The steroids I am taking also keep Brad up at night! Those times have been precious to both of us.

In the bowels of this trial, I am grateful. I am grateful for knowledge. Not only knowledge of the world, but knowledge of my Maker and the way He made for me to relate to Him. I am also grateful for belief. I know that even believing in Him would not be possible without His work in my life (John 6:44). And I am so grateful for my family. All my brothers and sister were here with me this weekend, with my parents, my husband, my children, and my in-laws. We had communion this (Sunday) morning and later received the most wonderful DVD with some of our church family sending thoughts and prayers. What a blessing!

My heart is so full when I think about what this sickness means. I am in a win-win situation. If I live, I continue to be blessed by my family, my church, my school, and my friends in other places. If I am taken to heaven, I really win. Now, I don’t want you to think I am super-spiritual. That is a very difficult perspective. I pray repeatedly, “God, be merciful to Your little lamb – please heal me.” I do my best to end that prayer with, “Nevertheless, Your will be done, not mine.” Still, it is difficult.

We will all go out of this world, though, won’t we? I am ready (in one sense) to go. Long ago I acknowledged that what God says about my relationship with Him is true. I am a sinner – not just someone with flaws, but one who is separated from God because of my sin. That is a difficult concept in a time and place where we always try to sell our good points. One of our big problems is that we do not understand God. If we could get one glimpse of His holiness we would quickly cry out and acknowledge our sinfulness (see Isaiah 6 – the whole chapter). Because God is holy (literally – “other than”) and I am sinful, I am separated from Him. If I remain in that state, I will spend eternity separated from Him. But – and I am so thankful for that conjunction – Jesus made a way!

Jesus, God’s Son – literally, God in the flesh – came to this earth as a human being. He never sinned, thus He was not under the same condemnation as the rest of us. That made Him eligible to pay for our sins, which He willingly did on the cross. I know that concept is difficult for some on many levels, but since we have become isolated from God through our prosperity, freedom, technology, and philosophy, we do not recognize how serious it is to offend (with our sin) a holy God. That is why Jesus’ death was so awful to behold. Not only did He die a horrible death (crucifixion was horrible), but because He was bearing our sins, God the Father turned His back on Jesus. That is why Jesus cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” It was because He was bearing the weight of my sin at that moment. He was paying for your sin.

God accepted Jesus’ death as payment for my sin. It only is credited to my account, though, if I believe. To do so, I must turn from being the captain of my own fate and place myself completely in His hands. That is what repentance is – “Not my way, Lord, but Yours.” I must also confess that I believe Jesus died for my sins and I accept Him as my Savior. When such belief is expressed to God – oh, you cannot imagine how everything changes! If you don’t know Jesus, please read Romans 10:9-10 and give your heart to Jesus.

I did so when I was a child. Now at 52, when I have no assurance whatsoever that I will see 53, I know that when my time is through here, I will live with Jesus forever! One of the main reasons I do not want to leave just now is that I want to tell so many others this good news. If you have read this far, then you have heard. I want you to be in heaven with me. Would you trust Jesus as your Savior? Do not do so because I am on this sick bed and am asking you to. Do so because one day you will be standing before God – the greatest desire of my heart is that you will be ready.

Brad promised to be brief in his last letter. If he keeps his promise, I will do my best to follow his example. Thank you so very much for all your kind expressions of love – our family is overwhelmed, and I mean overwhelmed! Thank you for allowing me to share my greatest burden at this time when all is so clear. It is not easy, and there is much I don’t understand, but God has graciously allowed me to see what is important and what is not. His grace is sufficient, Scripture says, and I need ever ounce He will give me. God bless you! I love you!

Linda Talley