Midnight Musings

It is after midnight and I am with my dear wife who is a patient in the hospital. I cannot help but recall the February nights some ten months ago on this very hall at Rex Hospital in Raleigh. Those nights were far different from these nights, and yet, similar. We had just learned of Linda's tumor and had been told that we had only three to five months before she would depart this world. I will never forget those nights as long as I live. We laughed, we cried, we read Scripture, we prayed, we drank in the goodness of life and the goodness of one another that God had allowed to become one flesh. We had nothing to confess, no forgiveness that needed to be asked, we simply exulted in God's blessings and prayed fervently for more time while doing our best to trust the Lord with all our hearts. It was, as I stated at the time, the worst week of my life, and the best week of my life.

Here we are together again in the East Wing of the sixth floor. Tonight is very different, though. Linda is breathing heavily as she sleeps with the merciful assistance of morphine. This is not the morphine that only seeks to limit pain and ease one's passing, but it is administered to allow her the rest she needs in order to overcome an infection (in the meningitis family, though not the "severe, contagious, quarantine everyone" variety!) that threatens her life. Even IF she beats this infection, there may be too many other obstacles for her to overcome. Only the Lord knows her time, but it appears it will be soon, short of a miracle.

I have been reading Scripture, praying, and talking to (though not "with") Linda tonight. I dare not wake her and trigger the almost inevitable agitation that nearly tore our hearts out of our chests most of the night (pray that Michael will forget the ordeal he endured through the night) and much of this day. The antibiotics have reduced the fever, so perhaps they will eliminate the hallucinations that have tormented her these past 24 hours. That is difficult for me to say, but it is truth and I should share at least that much with you. Earlier tonight I prayed for at least one more night like we had in February. Perhaps it will happen later this morning, but for now I am content to be able to be near the best person I have ever known.

Who is sufficient for times such as these? When will we learn that God must bring us to the depths so that we will look to Him? When you read such carefully crafted words, do not think the one who writes them to be spiritually minded. I am not. I have erred so often and so foolishly in this trial. Why God leads anyone to read this blog is beyond me. If there is anything of value it bears His strength shining through my weakness. Really.

Should this infection be overcome, very high blood sugar, triglycerides that are higher than doctors have ever seen, along with liver and kidney challenges await her. Even from a medical standpoint, these seemingly impossible odds can be overcome, and certainly it is true that God can reverse the direst of circumstances, but we may be soon forced to deal with the reality that Linda's time on this earth is near an end. Even since I wrote that her temperature has gone down a nurse came with a thermoter, which now reads 103.1 degrees - the highest yet. Please pray that should God choose to take her, that it will be with as little pain, stress, and agitation as possible.

Well, I can never thank God enough for bringing Linda Faile into my life. I have not deserved her. Really. God has melded our hearts, our spirits, our minds, our souls into one. A potential tearing is painful to consider, but I am so grateful to hurt so deeply because it means that we have loved so deeply. I would do it again a million times - I love her so much.