Creeping Along

I have never been one to live in the past. It is not that I had a bad childhood or young adult life, but I have always tended to be far more interested in the present and curious about the future than attracted to memory lane. Alas, I am stuck in the past. And it is the oddest mixture of sweetness and pain. It is not as though I live in a fantasy land where all is right in the world. While I fully expect to be reunited with Linda in a place where life will be realized at its fullest capacity, I have no illusions about the particular life we shared together being over.

Even as I sit, this morning, at the kitchen table around which we shared so many wonderful moments together, I remember my lover. But, to my dismay, I remember the days of sickness more than the days before. I will be so glad when the sick days fade from my memory and thoughts of the salad days come flooding back. Even so, reflecting on the times we shared this last year bring fond and sweet memories, such as thinking about the pleasure Linda received looking out the window watching the birds dancing on the rail of our back deck.

All in all, it is OK in this place. Even though I recognize the enormity of my loss – well, it is good to know the loss was so great, isn’t it? I look back at how good life was with my bride, how she made me SO much a better man and I give thanks to the Lord. And, I cry. I know the pain will ease and I imagine life will take on its more pleasant hues once more, but that day is in the future.

I met with Linda’s parents last week. Linda’s mother said “I want to get past this pain and I don’t want to get past it.” I know exactly what she means. It is not that it would be a betrayal of a loved one to laugh freely again, but you want to hang onto those memories, and indeed, memories consume a disproportionate part of my day. It is especially out of balance since it is my day (b/c of the way I am natured).

I suppose the most difficult aspect of my current state is that life is slowly creeping along. Life has always moved at a rather quick pace for me. On my side of the hill, in fact, life can really roll! But, it came to a screeching halt a little over four months ago. Everyone else moves on, and though I can see you and I can interact with you so that you think I am keeping pace, in reality I am rather stuck. Once again, it’s OK.

As children of the Enlightenment we tend to want life tied up into neat packages that can be fully comprehended and explained. Since God will never be confined in the manner we desire, we construct new explanations for the circumstances that do not fit in our neat and tidy world. We say things like, “God sometimes does His most important work in our lives when we sense His presence the least, when we are in our darkest moments.” I agree! Sometimes it seems, though, that we love to hear the stories of those who have learned this truth – in the past. We are not as good at allowing people to go through such times – in the present. I suppose our reluctance is due to the reality that such a place constitutes an ugly package under the tree in our pristine world.

PLEASE do not think this is my situation. My brothers and sisters at Grace Community Church and all over the world are very patient with me as I walk through this long valley. But, there may be some in your world that is in another valley that looks a good bit like the one I am presently traversing. If so, please be patient. Also, walk with them for a bit. Even though you cannot experience the level of pain they feel, you can ask the kind of questions that allows them to process their experiences and helps you to understand their struggles at a deeper level – if so, everyone benefits! This topic is fodder for a future post – but in the meantime, ask the tough questions. People want to talk about their loss more than you might think they would.

So, time creeps along. There are moments when I think that I am coming out of the valley only to discover my ascent was only a small hill along the way and I have far to go, yet. It is not the way I want it to be, but there are blessings all along the way. I am confident the old “Footsteps” poem is in play! So, if God wants this time to creep, let it creep. Thank you for slowing down long enough to enter my world for a spell.