The Many Faces of Grief

Almost two weeks have gone by since I began to write this post. The implications of grief have marinated in my heart and mind for most of that time, but I am not sure that I am any more prepared/qualified to write anything sensible now than I was when I first began to put my thoughts on paper.

This will not be a theological treatise on grief, just so you know. Grief is a funny thing. When you think about grief, you tend to think in specific blocks of time, and even though you may say someone grieved for years, the tendency is to think of a state of grief as present when someone is sad or broken at a particular moment. But grief is really more like a state of being that has many different moods. Thus, it is accurate to say that someone grieves over a period of time, even if he or she does not seem sad for much of that time.

For me, there was the initial state of loss and sadness when, three and a half months ago, dear Linda slipped away. Although we know where she went, we lost her. I have never been more lonely at any moment in my life than I was when I followed her casket out of the church, heading for the grave site. Surrounded by several hundred friends and loving family, I was utterly alone. A few days after the funeral I descended into a deep pit. I have stated before in this space that it was a place that I did not know existed. After two to three weeks of darkness, I had to pull out. It seemed that my health was in jeopardy. After this last year of holding up rather well under stress, my body finally had its say and shouted its revenge. I am certain that God would have enabled me to endure more of the deep pit, but I intentionally pulled out, though I did not want to miss whatever God had for me in this sorrow.

Because God made me the way that I am, it is certainly possible for me to laugh and have a good time in my period of grief. Sometimes, though, the laughter is a little too loud. It is not that the things at which I am laughing are not funny - they are. It is just that they are not that funny. At other times it is far easier than it previously was to become easily agitated, and though I don't always show my impatience with people or circumstances, sometimes I do. When the pain comes, it usually comes in small doses, but it is often so intense that I cry out in sorrow. The intense sorrow usually goes away fairly quickly, but sometimes it stays for a day or two.

I suppose the most frustrating face of grief for me is the lethargy that shows up day in and day out. Again, personality allows for activity, work, and laughter, but the numbness of grief is my constant companion.

Grief seems to intensify emotions – sad becomes really sad and happy becomes a little too happy. Balance is elusive, stability only a memory. Emotions are extreme, or, they are hard to find at all. Lethargy, apathy, complacency, reticence – all present and accounted for just before the emotions explode for their moment, after which the numbness returns.

It is not that my judgment has been greatly affected – which, when you think about it, could be quite comical for me to aver at this stage. Who am I to assess my judgment in this time of grief? I feel as though I am able to think clearly enough – it is just that I do not always have the energy to engage all that is before me. I do my best to conceal my emotions, but headshots taken of me at unsuspecting moments betray my conflicted soul.

Is there any good in grief? If one is a Christ-follower, then, YES! Not that any sane person would choose grief, much less choose the loss of someone dear that causes the mourning! But, anything that draws us to Jesus can be beneficial. The Apostle Paul, in fact, stated that he longed for the fellowship that is found in sharing Christ’s suffering (Philippians 3:10). If suffering outside of persecution has no value, then please remove the book of Job from the Old Testament! All suffering can serve to bring us closer to God and make us more like Jesus if we allow the Holy Spirit to comfort and transform us.

So, is grief an acceptable emotion? The Scripture often tells of times when God’s people grieved the loss of a loved one or the loss of the nation to a powerful adversary. Although God ordered His prophet to forgo grieving when His wife died (Ezekiel 24:15-24), it was to make the case for God’s legitimate anger toward the sin of the nation of Israel, a sin that He would soon judge. The command to not grieve was clearly the exception to the normal and acceptable response for one who has lost a loved one (consider Jesus at Lazarus’ tomb – John 11:34-38).

Yes, it is OK to grieve. And grief has many faces. If grief ultimately has the effect of causing me to look more like Jesus (2 Corinthians 3:18), then I will embrace it, even though I would have never chosen it. Please be patient with me, though, as I grieve – and, pardon my many faces!